Breathing Room

by Andrea on May 2, 2012

It’s been too long since I posted here. But I am here. My sweet boy is now 9 months old and I am still dealing with the aftermath of his birth. In short, I had a failed VBAC that resulted in Uterine Rupture and another C-Section. I have written about it on my own blog and on The Babycenter Blog. I want to say I am all better now and in many ways I am. But that birth literally shredded me. Both physically and emotionally. And even though I have written about it, I still feel that I wrapped it all up in a nice, internet-friendly gift bag.

There are days when I feel like nothing is whole. There are days when I feel more love than I can ever explain. And after months and months of wondering when I will be “all better” I finally realized that I just won’t.

I will never be the woman I was before I had my Cesareans.

I will never be a woman without a scar.

I will never be a woman with an unblemished uterus or bladder.

I will never have a natural childbirth.

I will never have a vaginal childbirth.

I will never know what that feeling of euphoria is like to hold my babies just seconds after they were born.

And you know what? That sucks. It’s a big dissapointment for me. It’s HUGE. I mourn the loss of those moments regularly and I think that is healthy. But I love my boys more than I could have ever imagined. I love bringing them joy and seeing them experience life. I love the looks on their faces when I give them something they love. I love to love them.

No matter what sadness I feel toward my birth experiences, I am moving forward. And I am bringing my pain with me. Because there is no expiration date on healing. We face hard things and we deal with them some days and push them down on other days. And then one day is better that the past few. And we know there is progress being made.

My boys are perfect regardless of how they got here.

If you are facing sadness or grief over the loss of the birth you had hoped for, there is a place for you here. I hope this community will continue to support each other as so many have already. Thank you so much for reading and please know that you can always share your story here.